Friendship Redefined: Why Accidental Doesn't Cut It

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Bachpan se, I have always been a very social, extroverted guy. I loved hanging around with people, spending time with them, and enjoying their company. It didn’t matter who I was with; I simply enjoyed it.

As I grew up, I naturally became a charmer. I loved people, and they loved me back. In school, I was the heartthrob, the hero. From juniors to seniors, everyone knew and adored Mitra. I felt on top of the world, basking in the recognition every 13-year-old dreams of.

And then, one day, everything changed.

I still remember the date: 28 December 2019. That day, I won 11 medals—4 golds, 5 silvers, and 2 bronze—at the school’s sports day. Everyone, from teachers to friends, was jubilant. I was officially the school’s hero. Standing on the stage, my eyes searched for my parents. They were proud, their eyes filled with happy tears. But behind those teary eyes, I saw the gears shifting in their minds. Their supercomputer had started analysing something, and I knew I wouldn’t like the outcome.

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That day, they decided to pull me out of school. From now on, my education would be either road-schooling or homeschooling.

 

Why? Because they believed I had outgrown my group. There’s a saying: When you are the best in the room, you're in the wrong room. My parents believed it was time for a complete shift from a hybrid model—half arranged, half accidental—to fully arranged (before your imagination runs wild and you say, “Oh my god, Mitra! You’re talking about marriage now? Nope, I’m not talking about arranged marriage, just to clarify. I’m talking about arranged friendship.) 

 

And how did I feel, you might ask?
Well… thank you for asking. I hated it. I loved my school, my teachers, and, most importantly, my friends. Leaving them felt terrible. I cried and yelled, but my parents didn’t yield. They said the classic cringe parent dialogue, “You may not understand now, Mitra. But we’ve seen the world. We know we’re doing the right thing for you.”

I know you’re probably judging my parents right now. What kind of parents pull their kid out of school when he’s the most popular? Well, my parents would, and they’d do it again if necessary.

 

Why did they do it?
I was just as clueless as you are now. I thought I was doing great—top scorer, sports champion, well-loved. Why pull me out?

To understand, we have to go back 20 years.

While my mom was studying to plan for my education, she came across this concept called arranged friendship. She read that children are sponges, especially in the first few years. They absorb every energy around them, directly affecting their core identity. That is why choosing who they meet or spend time with is essential. Nope, I’m not asking you to discriminate or judge people based on their literacy, social status, or net worth.

If you’ve observed, even if somebody has a lot of money, they might be cribbing about their life. That is a definite low-energy person. That is why, until the age of 10 (until the child is considered extra impressionable), you have to make sure that the kid spends maximum time either in nature or with high-energy people.

 

Fast-forward to that day. I was furious. My parents pulled me out of my beloved school, and I had a million questions. So, I did what I always do when I have questions… Refer to the wise words of wise people (aka books). In a certain book called Raising Girls by a certain man named Steve Biddulph, I read a certain paragraph that spoke about certain kinds of friendship. 

In it, he writes, and I quote (paraphrase instead because I’m too lazy to go find that book in my library and then find the paragraph I want to quote. So I’m just giving you a gist of what he said)… He mentioned that the friends we make are often accidental—formed because we’re the same age, attend the same school, or live nearby. However, these friendships can be harmful to our mental health. These friends may hold us back, preventing us from fully embracing our identities, leading to problems later on.

That’s when it hit me: we must choose our friends wisely. They should inspire and support us, helping us grow.

 

But how do you know if someone can be a true friend?

Well, here are some points that have helped me. They might probably help you too:

·      They should be on the same mental wavelength.

·      You should be able to be your true self without fear of rejection.

·      You should be able to talk to them about your dreams, and they should be there to tell you how to achieve them and not mock them. 

·      They respect your values and principles and do not force you to change them to “fit in”.

·      You should be able to share your perspective with them; they do not judge you because of it.

·      They are there for you when you fail, helping you get back on your feet and back on track.

·      They are there with you to celebrate your success.

 

Sounds like a lot, right? Aren’t such friends rarer than unicorns?
Honestly, no. You don’t need one group for everything. We have got this wrong concept of that ONE group of friends who are there for you everywhere. But in reality, you gotta have different groups for different things.

Let’s say you love scuba (like I do)… so I have special scuba friends.

Love trekking? Make trekking friends.
Literature? Reader friends.

Animal lover? Forest enthusiast friends.

Want to grow in life? Then, people who are on the same path are friends.

 

You might find one or two people who tick all the boxes along the way. And yes, I can see your raised eyebrows… but these friendships exist. I have seen my Mom and Dad become those types of friends for each other (and I hope I find a partner like that, too… in the near future)

Lastly, when you become that kind of friend, you attract those kinds of friends. 


So, dear friend, I want you to take a deep breath, put your phone or laptop aside for a minute and introspect...

Are you that kind of friend? 

If it is a no, then work on the areas you need to work on:

Are you probably a little too sarcastic?

A little rude?

A  little too selfish?

If yes, then you know… all you need to do is…

P.S: I’ll go deeper on this arranged friendship wala concept soon…





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